A question of trust (II)

I am placing Aaron's second letter, "To Whom it May Concern" below so that you must "click through" to read it. It is deeply upsetting, and yet he would like to make it available for you to assess exactly those elements in the Legion culture that allows such behaviour to exist -- and even to thrive. As a mother, I read it with tremendous grief; as a Catholic, I was outraged; as a human being, one must demand justice and accountability.

The comments will remain closed, but your thoughts may be judiciously placed on the previous thread -- with the understanding that not all there will have chosen to read the vulgar details. Remember concerning these details:

1. the Legion gained access to victims by pretending to be sincere and pious Catholics;
2. the Legion undertook to successfully exploit the victims because of their genuine trust;
3. the Legion maintained control later because of its calculated abuse of the sacraments, religious vows and their stranglehold on conscience.

26^th March 2004         

 

 To Whom It May Concern:

 

My name is Aaron Loughrey, I was born on the 13^th of April, 1977, in Coleraine, Northern Ireland, diocese of Down and Connor.

I first met a vocational director from the Legion of Christ in September 1990. I was 13 years old. I visited the Novitiate many times, including a six week stay in 92 before, on the 15^th of September 93, I received the Soutane, promised to live Chastity, Obedience, Poverty according to the Constitutions of the Legion of Christ and the traditional Legionary promises of non-criticism and not seeking personal posts of authority within the Congregation, and thus entered the Novitiate of the Legion of Christ, Leopardstown Rd. Dublin 18 at the age of 16.

The Instructor of Novices was Fr. James McKenna. LC. He was assigned to me as my Spiritual Director and Confessor. The following September 1994, he was replaced by the Deacon Fr. Eoghan Devlin, LC.  With several other Novices, I went to his ordination in Mexico City in November of the same year.  He was also appointed my Confessor and Spiritual Director.

Under the guise of preparing me for the Profession of the Religious Vows and the Private Vows of the Legion of Christ, which I wanted to take at the end of my two-year Novitiate, he frequently asked me in spiritual direction personal questions of a sexual nature.

He asked me about any sexual ‘experiences’ I had as a child. He asked me about my brothers and sisters, other family and my friends, inquiring if I had seen any of them naked. He asked about any ‘sexual games’ I may have played as a child.  He also asked me if I had any sexual fantasies, and what they were. He wanted to know to what level I was sexually ‘aware’.

It was his duty to know this, as he was proposing me as a suitable candidate for religious life and I answered his questions as openly and honestly as possible, although I found them to be intrusive and uncomfortable. Also I had nothing to hide.

I did tell him, though, that I thought that I was attracted to men. He told me that homosexuality does not exist, that I oughtn’t to worry about it because I was in an all-male environment, and was attracted to the more feminine qualities of other men around me, due to the lack of women to be attracted to. That when I was on the apostolate, and in ‘the world’ it would no longer be the case.

I neither agreed nor disagreed with him, but decided that whatever the case, chastity was the same for all who desired to offer it to God. I also calmed my conscience in that I wasn’t attracted to anyone in particular, male or female, and found no real obstacle to the living of chastity. In fact I saw chastity as a beautiful gift to God and expression of intimacy with Him.

Fr. Eoghan in Spiritual Direction told me that I had a ‘disordered affection’ towards another novice. I did not know exactly what he meant by that and. I was confused as to why he thought this. He asked me if in times of conversation I sought out the other Brother to talk to over others. He asked me if I looked for his company and preferred his company.  He said I had a ‘crush’ on him and encouraged me to confess this sin against chastity to him anytime it manifested itself.

Individual, or particular friendship in the Legion is not permitted. This particular novice, who apparently I had a crush with, was a friendly and intelligent man. I found him to be good company and will describe my feelings towards him as ones of friendship, appreciation – I liked him. I never had any sexual thoughts, desires or urges towards him.

Nevertheless, I found myself continuously examining my conscience and purity of intention whenever I spoke to him. I kept contact with him to a minimum, scared of ‘sinning’ if I laughed at his jokes. Did others laugh? Was it just me? My disordered affection? I found it very hard to qualify this ‘sin’ against purity and confessed anything I thought might be ‘inappropriate’ to ‘Legionary universality’.  I constantly reflected on my purity of intention with the other novices, with my family and with my superiors, trying to avoid any disordered affections.

One night, Fr. Eoghan entered my room after night prayers. I was in bed, but not yet asleep.  He asked me if I was ok. I informed him that I was. He asked me if  I was wearing any underwear under my pyjamas. I told him I was wearing underpants. He said it wasn’t normal for anyone to wear underwear in bed, other than pyjamas. He instructed me in the future not to do so.

Fr. Eoghan and I spent many hours each week talking about chastity and he rewarded my efforts for purity. I kept a written correspondence with him almost daily, informing him of my day’s progress. He often gave me special chores to do for him, to ‘keep my mind busy’, I frequently accompanied him if he had to leave the Novitiate. He made me his secretary and also appointed me infirmarian. He put me in charge of a large project of his redesigning the novitiate gardens.

One day in spring, 1995, he was in bed ill. The Assistant to the Novice Instructor, Br.. Patrick Conlon, L.C., asked me to help him bring lunch to Fr. Eoghan. I did so, and Fr. Eoghan thanked me. (I’m not exactly sure of when this was. I seem to think it was early in the month of May, as we spent that month working in the Gardens and the weather seemed nice. In which case I had just turned 18. I know it was definitely before June. Indeed it may have been before my 18^th birthday, as we also had some workdays in March and April.)

In the constitutions of the Legion of Christ, a legionary may not enter the bedroom of another legionary unless they are accompanied by a third person. That was why both Br. Patrick and myself brought Fr. Eoghan Lunch.

That night, when we were all asleep, Fr. Eoghan came to my room in his pyjamas and woke me up. In the novitiate we were not allowed to close our bedroom doors except when we were getting changed.

He asked me to go with him. He seemed so urgent that I didn’t have time to put on my dressing gown and I had to run to catch up with him as he went to his room. As is customary in the Legion, we all keep Absolute Silence after night prayers until after morning mass the following day. Absolute Silence means not only not being allowed to speak, but also trying to make the least possible noise (closing doors very quietly, etc.).

Fr. Eoghan lay on his bed and said he had very severe cramps in his stomach. He unbuttoned his pyjama top and told me to kneel down. He poured oil onto his stomach and asked me to massage him. I had never done anything like this before, and he took both my hands and showed me how, placing my hands where his navel asking me to press down hard, massaging in a circular motion. He began to breathe deeply. Very soon he unbuttoned his pyjama bottoms and poured more oil. He asked me to ‘do it deeper’. I thought he meant harder, but he meant lower down. His penis was erect and I was embarrassed. I started to massage in the area between his navel and the pubic region. He took my hands and put them into his crotch.  And I massaged him there. He asked me to do so more vigorously. I was a bit shocked, but I didn’t really know what was happening. I can remember my hands in his pubic hair, wet from the massage cream. I closed my eyes and prayed. His penis was erect and uncovered the whole time. It was wet and dripping pre-cum.

I can remember clearly the thoughts I had.

1 – why were we alone? Where was the third person present that the Constitutions required? I answered to myself that it would be too embarrassing for anyone else to witness. One (I) was enough.

2. Why wasn’t his superior (the Rector, Fr. Eugene Gormley, L.C.) helping him then?  Or even his assistant, Br. Patrick Conlon. If in need in the Legion, we asked our superiors for help or permissions, not our equals or subordinates.

3. What horrible illness was this for a priest? I thought his cramps were a terrible affliction, and he had just been ordained. It also entered my mind that he wanted me to masturbate him, because he was a priest and I wasn’t, and he couldn’t control this illness. Therefore if I did it, if I brought him to release the sin would be mine, not his. The lesser of two evils, as such. Nevertheless, I knew that I couldn’t sin like this, and I didn’t do it, although I expected him to ask me to.

He kept asking me to massage harder and deeper. In doing so, several times I inadvertently touched his erect penis, which was moving vigorously, corresponding to my hands moving. I kept my head down and kept my eyes closed as much I could.

He then asked me to wash my hands and get him a towel, I went to his sink and when I returned he was wiping himself with a tissue. He apologised to me for the ‘uncomfortable circumstances’ of his illness. He was often ill like this, he said. He asked me if I had noticed that he had an erection when I had brought him lunch earlier. I nodded ‘no’. He sent me to my room, and said I could sleep in to recover my lost sleep.

I went to the oratory and prayed to God that He cure him of this illness, and I offered a sacrifice to Him to help him through the night.

I was very puzzled by the events, but never doubted that he was ill. I thought that because we had spoken about sexual things in Spiritual Direction he confided in me to not be embarrassed or to misjudge him in his unfortunate condition. Who else could he have turned to? I thought.

I never once spoke during the entire event. I didn’t want to break the Absolute Silence.

In the Legion of Christ, we are to obey the superior even in his whims, not solely in his mandates. We were explained in the Legion of Christ that if a superior wanted a cup of tea, even if he just mentioned it as if thinking out loud, it would be the ‘Legionary Spirit’ to go and make him one and bring it to him.

In the Legion of Christ we also take a Vow to never criticise the actions, deeds or person of a superior and to report anyone who did so. If ever a criticism was to be made, it had to be made in a formal way to that superior’s superior and in the spirit of Charity.

I had promised this obedience and non criticism at the beginning of my novitiate and was in a period of discernment for acceptance to the Religious Vows.

In my heart and in my conscience, I believed that I had acted that night like a true Legionary, and I put it to the back of my mind.

The next day I saw Fr. Eoghan and Fr. Eugene talking to each other and slowly walking up and down the novitiate corridor, as was usual during spiritual direction. I thought that Fr. Eoghan was informing the Rector about what happened.

After this, Fr. Eoghan had less time for me. He told me that I shouldn’t depend on him so much anymore, because I was to go to the Juniourate in Salamanca, Spain and that it was a much bigger community and my superiors there wouldn’t have the same amount of time for me.

I noticed a change in him towards me. He was more indifferent and even tired of me. At the end of the summer I professed the Religious Vows according to the Constitutions of the Legion of Christ and the Private Vows of the Legion of Christ.

I remember looking forward to reading the Constitutions of the Legion of Christ in entirety after this, as only professed Religious and Legionary Priests can read them, as Novices we had a censored version.

I moved to Salamanca to study humanities in the Centro de Humanidades y Ciencias de la Legion de Cristo, Avda. De la Merced, Salamanca.

After one and a half years here, my Rector, Confessor and Spiritual Director, Fr. Jesus Maria Delgado, LC, told me he didn’t see me as a priest and encouraged me to leave and ‘get married’. I didn’t agree with him, and never found out why he wanted me to leave. His only reason was that I wasn’t suitable (though he didn’t say why) and that I didn’t have the ‘prima materia’. When the period of humanities was over, he wouldn’t let me begin philosophy in Rome, but said I had a ‘special mission’. I waited two months to find out what this was, and then I was asked to accompany a priest on the vocational recruitment drive in the North of Spain. I accompanied Fr. Luis Ignacio Nunez, LC around different Spanish cities looking for vocations to the Legion, to the apostolic movement Regnum Christi, donations to the Legion and also trying to open a Legionary school in Bilbao.

For one and a half years after Fr. Jesus informed me of his certainty about my not having a vocation, I prayed and worked hard, trying to find God’s will. I never doubted in my heart and in the fulfilment of my Religious Commitments that God was calling me, not only to the Priesthood, but to the Legion of Christ, and that as a matter of conscience I had to and wanted to obey God’s call.

Eventually under a lot of pressure, I took it as a sign from God manifested through my superiors that I didn’t have a vocation to neither the priesthood nor to the Legion of Christ. I had also received a letter from the General Director, and founder of the Congregation, P. Marcial Maciel, LC, who we called Nuestro Padre,  in which he said I could leave and return home in peace, without a troubled conscience. That he assured me that God’s will was not for me to be a Priest.  As an act of faith I left the legion, although I really didn’t want to, and still heard God’s call.

From the moment I decided to leave, and the moment I was given a plane ticket, I was no longer considered a Legionary, a member of the community. I was not allowed to tell anyone except my parents that I was leaving.

To this day I still have to wrestle with my conscience about this. In the Legion we were continuously told that we were called from all Eternity, handpicked by God to Co-found the Legion of Christ, and that if we weren’t faithful to God’s call, He would spit us out of His mouth, and would find damnation.

When people leave the Legion of Christ, be it of their own choice or be it ‘invited’ by a superior, they did so in secret. They simply disappeared over night.  It was forbidden to speak about anyone who was no longer present in the community. If superiors were asked in quiet, they often lied that that Brother was sent on a special mission to Mexico, or was sent to another country.

I was given a suitcase, advised to leave all my notes and only take my clothes and personal things with me. It would be better, they said, in the long run to not have too many reminders. I was given my passport, a ticket from Madrid to Belfast and a $50 viaticum. I was told that if I didn’t need this emergency money during the trip, I should send it back to them in Salamanca.

So I returned home to my parents on August 20th, 1998. I told them that I had been living the Religious Vows for the past three years, and that with Renewal of the Vows approaching I reflected that I did not want to continue living that way. This was a lie. I couldn’t bring myself to tell them that the Legion had rejected me, that I wasn’t adequate material for the Priesthood.

Also I was confused because I had taken the vows for three years on September 15^th 1995. I was still a Consecrated Religious therefore until the 15^th September 1998, but I had left the Legion. I didn’t know how to live my Vows at home during that period, I wondered if I had to report to the Bishop or my Parish Priest. My parents gave me money to buy some clothes, but I didn’t know to accept it or not as I was still bound to poverty.

It was hard for me to adjust to normal life again, but I tried to do so as best I could and asked for God’s help in finding His will for me outside the Religious Life.

I went to university but gradually I deteriorated and had to leave. At the beginning of my second year I began to feel unwell. I felt nauseas and tired, I was often confused and forgetful. My short-term memory became poor and I even was lost at times, not knowing where I was. I had trouble knowing what time of year it was, and was often disoriented. This, of course affected my university life. I didn’t know what was wrong, but I went to a counsellor at university, where I admitted depression. I remember that in my first session I didn’t know why I was there or what I would talk about. I was surprised that I spent the whole time talking about my seminary experiences. I had no idea that I was still so dependent on the Legion of Christ. My whole psyche – my emotional framework, my psychological balance depended on the system of life within the Legion and for as much as I wanted to, I couldn’t function outside this system. Everything became a challenge to me. It is hard to describe this, I don’t mean that I desired to live like a Legionary, that I got up early in the morning and had an hours meditation before Mass etc, but that I had a sub-conscious dependency on the Legion. This sacred me a lot.

In a way, I was like a lion that was bred in captivity and kept in a cage. After being ‘rescued’ and released back into the wild, to my natural habitat, I could only pace up and down the length of my cage even though the bars had been removed.

Since then I have been attending counselling, and it has helped me a lot, but it has taken and is still taking years to relearn the necessary and most basic elements of life in ‘normal society’.

Shortly after I started counselling, November 2000, I found an article on the Internet reporting alleged sex abuse by the founder, Marcial Maciel, LC. I didn’t believe it and was disgusted.  But when I read the detail of the accusations the memory of what Fr. Eoghan Devlin asked me to do when he was ill in the Novitiate came back to me and I realised for the first time the truth of what had happened – that he had in fact sexually abused me. The similarity of what some of the first Legionaries said Maciel had made them do to what Fr. Eoghan asked me to do was astounding. I couldn’t believe it. I printed off the article and wrote my own experience and printed it. I showed them both to my father and to my counsellor. I couldn’t say with words what had happened, I couldn’t talk about it yet needed confirmation immediately, I needed these people to believe me, or maybe to tell me what I didn’t want to believe.

Since then I have been reluctant to really affirm that I was abused, I argue to myself that Fr. Eoghan was really ill, or that it was my fault. But I can no longer deny to myself the truth about what he did. He groomed me, and abused me for his own sexual gratification. My denial only served to mask my pain at the acceptance of this truth, I never denied the facts or was ever unclear about them.

I remember that when I was a humanist in Salamanca, all the communities in the house were called to a special meeting in the auditorium. The Rector, Fr. Jesus Maria Delgado, LC told us that a newspaper in USA had published a damning and false accusation against Nuestro Padre, (Marcial Maciel, the founder of the Congregation). We received no further detail of this accusation.

We were informed that our personal mail was going to be double checked (all incoming and outgoing mail is habitually revised by superiors in the Legion) for anything that might contain details of this newspaper article, but we had to be careful and if we found anything in our mail or elsewhere about the accusation we were to refrain immediately from reading it and give it to our superior at once.

We were also prohibited to talk about anything to do with the accusation.

I realised that the newspaper article we were kept in the dark about was the same article I read on the Internet, sparking off the memory of my own abuse. I was angry that the Legion had denied me access to this – I could have known sooner, I could have acted while still in the Legion. Maybe others too could have been abused like me and not known it, here they were denied a chance to find the truth.

In April 2001, I visited the Mons. Colm McCahon of the Down and Connor diocese and told him what had happened to me. He was shocked and concerned to say the least. I thank him for his Priestly example to me. He advised me of what I might be able to do, as I was concerned that Fr. Eoghan may still be abusing his authority for his own personal satisfaction, and also I felt he should at least be given a chance to help me.

On my behalf he wrote to the Vicar General of the Legion of Christ, Luis Garza. I told Mons. McCahon that the Legion was very secretive and protective of its members and of its image, that I doubted that any superior in the Legion would believe me over another Legionary. I was scared that sending this letter would be only a fool’s errand. He told me that he didn’t think it would be so, and that that was the procedure of the Church. He said that at least we could try it and see what happens. I agreed to this. I mentioned to him that I would be interested in speaking to Fr. Eoghan in person, to ‘clear things up’. I also advised him that I in no way wanted to cause scandal or harm for the Church.

Luis Garza replied, and I found his words hurtful. He was satisfied that there was no problem with Fr. Eoghan, and that he (Fr. Eoghan) didn’t know how I could come up with such a story. He offered me to speak with Fr. Eoghan if I wished, but only if in the presence of witnesses. I felt intimidated by this, and, still in a period of much denial and confusion, I let it be. In a way I found some peace because I had let Fr. Eoghan know that the power of his deception was over.

I decided no longer to think about this, and eventually I my depression eased – or rather I learnt to accept it and live with its manifestations. I again tried to return to University, but found it hard once more to become part of another ‘system’. The depression soon returned and I left after three months. I continued with my counselling.

But I cannot forget nor let go of this part of my past any longer. I so often worry that Fr. Eoghan is still abusing children, or others under his authority. I have heard he is a Superior of a Legionary community in Colombia, and that he is also the Director of a Legionary College there.

I feel it is my moral duty to report once more to Church and to the appropriate Civil Authorities what Fr. Eoghan Devlin did to me. In doing so I hope to find justice, to prevent further wrong and help other victims to heal.

I request an external authority make a formal and thorough investigation. I do not trust any internal investigation by the Legion of Christ in this matter, and will not be satisfied by it.

I want Fr. Eoghan to be removed from ministry until a complete and satisfactory investigation be made, pertinently because he is at present Director of a Primary and Secondary School in Medellin, Columbia, and also National Director of the Regnum Christi Catholic Youth Movement in Columbia as well as Superior of the Religious Community of the Legion of Christ in Medellin.

In this investigation I expect that anyone who he was Superior of at any period of his Legionary Formation, not only as a Priest, not only as Novice Instructor in Dublin, be questioned about his sexual appropriateness in their formation.

Note that I was unaware of this abuse for years because his deception and the use of his position of authority were so effective. There may well be other Legionaries who still live unaware of their abuse.

I request as a result of this investigation that Fr. Eoghan Devlin be removed permanently from positions of authority in the Legion of Christ, and also be removed from ministry with children and young people. It may be necessary to question his suitability for the Priesthood and its demands.

I invite him to address his own behaviour and any problems with sexuality that he may have.

I am scared. I am scared of the things the Legion will say about me. That I am bitter because I had to leave, that I am not well, that my continued depression is evidence of mental imbalance and therefore of my telling grand but untrue tales, and so on. Someone told me they had asked why I had left the Legion and they were informed that ‘Aaron wasn’t well in the head’. This only added to my pain.

I am also scared that this be even more painful for me. But, as my Legionary experience has taught me, the truth may hurt, but lies hurt even more. May the truth lead me to freedom.

It has taken a lot of courage, and yes, time, to come forward like this. I feel so lost and helpless, will I be believed? What good will it do?

I hope that you will be able to help me find justice and healing.